How to be Single (again)

giphy (2)

I’m currently navigating a pretty new breakup. Which sucks. (And explains my return to blogging). I’d been with The Guy for about a year and half, so all my single ways have been deleted from my brain (but really, after a few hours anything gets deleted from my brain). The adjustment to life without Bae is…hard.

If you too are going through a breakup, never fear. I’m here to gently guide you and your unstable emotions through this process like these guys herding cats:

herding cats.gif

EDS Solutions via Giftrunk.com

Fill up BaeDay

For me, Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon was Baeday(s). Now, it’s a barren wasteland of time I could go to gym but probably won’t because I lack the motivation to get a spring/summer/any season body. Instead I choose a healthy diet of Netflix, wine and trying to finish a 1000-piece puzzle of horses in the incredibly dim light of my apartment. (Because being single in your thirties can never get too sexy.)

Find things that make you feel good and a little less like your heart is a smashed piece of pulp in your chest. Baking a cake and eating the whole thing before it’s cooled down? DO IT! Taking up running and trying a couple of races because you can’t run away from your feelings but you can run from other people? I LIKE HOW YOU THINK. Drinking wine straight from the bottle? DO YOU, BOO. Putting on the saddest playlist of music that Deezer has to offer and crying for six hours while texting your ex how much you miss them? Not this one. Don’t do this one.

Lean on your friends

I started trying to make new friends and be a better friend to my old friends before The Breakup. Hell, I even tried this app called Hey! Vina which is like Tinder but for friends. And just like Tinder when I was single before, it only lead to crushing disappointment when no one replied to my messages because I probably talked about cats too much in my profile.

But you’re going to need someone to voicenote all your What Ifs to when it’s 1am and you remember that you’re now single and past your prime. They’ll probably get bored of you after a month of you being sad, so make sure to really milk it while you can. Text them at 9am. Then at 9:01am. Then at 9:02am just to be sure they got your other two messages. Repeat every 30 minutes to one hour. Send them all your TimeHops of all your happy memories of bae from this time last year. Change your relationship status to married and tag each of them until someone accepts out of pity.

When your friends start blue ticking you, just cry really loudly in hopes that one of your neighbours knocks on your door to check that you’re ok/not being murdered.

Prepare your answer for when people ask “What happened?”

“He decided to join the navy and I’m not ready to be a sea captain’s wife.”
“We’re really just in different places in our lives. I’m at the ‘get a(nother) cat stage’ and he’s at a ‘why is she so obsessed with cats’ place.”
“They cheated on me with my sister. Which was really confusing because I am an only child.”
“He wanted to get married. I just wanted to get with Mary.”

The more confusing, uncomfortable and awkward your answer is, the better.

Accept that you’re going to die alone

There’s no easy way to break this to you. You’re going to die alone. Probably in some rented apartment because no one can afford to buy property alone where you can’t even have a pet so you’ll just go gently into that good night surrounded by plants, empty bottles of whisky and the mouldy cheese that’s gained sentience in your fridge.

Sorry, kid.

Disclaimer: in case this needs to be said, this is an overly dramatic humour post for lulz. I’ve yet to drunkenly puzzle. Only do puzzles when sober and have proper supervision (and super vision when all your puzzle pieces are the same shade of fucking brown because you chose a puzzle that 80% fucking brown horses).

Main image: Bridget Jones’s Diary via Giphy

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