How to care for A Guy

will-put-my-mouth-on-his-mouth

I’ve recently come into possession of a guy (The Guy). Dear dedicated readers (who-may-all-be-in-my-head-because-I-really-don’t-blog-good), you’ll know that it was a good number of years since I last had to keep one of these. And, they are very much not like keeping cactuses (who now live with my parents thanks to my worst nightmare flatmates) alive. They’re a lot more like puppies: needy, furry and I’ll admit it, kind of cute.

Keeping A Guy is all about not losing them in ten days (check under the couch if misplaced this early). You gotta be cruel to be kind, as Letters to Cleo would tell you. Treat ’em mean to keep ’em keen. Life is like a box of chocolates. I’m just saying words that make no sense now aren’t I?

WELL, THAT’S A LOT LIKE A RELATIONSHIP.

Jokes.

But really, to keep A Guy the most important thing you’ll need to know is: Don’t feed them after midnight.

Oh, wait, that’s if you don’t want your mogwai to become a gremlin.

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Gremlins / WarnerBros via Horrorville 

Well, actually, they’re kind of like mogwai.

You shouldn’t expose them to sunlight because they may be flameable. Or worse. They may *sparkle*

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Summit Entertainment via snarksquad

*glitter glitter glitter*

Never, ever give them water. A Guy survives on beer, coffee and whisky alone.

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Thor / Marvel Studios via semrush

And definitely, definitely, don’t get them wet.

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Amelie via giphy

Or hot.

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The Simpsons / Fox via tumblr

Or frighten them.

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Futurama / Fox via reactiongifs

They may melt.

Header image: 30 Rock / NBC via viralgifs 

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