[Edit: I started this blog in mid-March, I’m gainfully employed again, but why the hell not post this]
Why hello, unemployment. We meet again! I know some people like to jazz you up and call you ‘Funemployment’ but honestly there’s nothing fun about a future of looming debit orders, lack of medical aid and zero inflow of cash. But times are tough and shit happens and I know it’s been less than 18 months since we last met, but, you gotta get down on Frid – oh, no wait. That’s not it. You gotta DOWN the Mainstay*
I read an article in Grazia the weeks after I was retrenched. Think it was something to the effect of ‘Don’t take it personally’ and ‘Pick yourself up and keep trying’ but honestly all you want to do when you’ve lost your job is drink wine and eat chocolate while binge watching series in your comfy pants. I’m pretty sure my plan is way more satisfying than Grazia’s.
Why have one square of chocolate when you can have the whole slab? Glass of wine? Uh, bottle of wine. One episode? TEN! Anything that’s going to make you feel better is worth overdoing, amiright?
On the kitchen floor, on your couch, in the shower, in the loos at work, on the train – every place is a good place to break down into a snotty mess at your impending future of two minute noodles and using your parents’ internet because you can’t afford the debit orders.
Job Hunt Yourself Depressed
Choose a job site. Update your CV. Apply to every job you could conceivably, possibly, maybe do.
Receive no replies.
Or if you get an interview, go to it. Put all your hopes on a callback. Imagine working there. Picture your glorious future.
Never hear back from them ever again.
React Like It’s A Bad Breakup
I mean, your job is leaving you. Burn things. Throw things. Give everyone in the office the stink eye. Be passive aggressive in every meeting. Sulk. Call the office at all hours of the night and morning, and leave messages crying and asking them to take you back. What’s a restraining order when you are unemployed, HUH?!
* Nothing else would fit with that attempted rhyme. Cane. Ugh. This is not Sprinboks and I’m not going to add Cream Soda and get on the Cane Train.
Disclaimer: In case I need to state the obvious, this is a humour post. I bare no ill will towards my former employers at all. I was given great opportunities there (which enabled me to get my fantastic new job!) but all things come to an end.