The Cardinal Rules Of Internet Dating


Recently. I was at a friend’s birthday party and one of her BF’s friends was like, ‘You! Is this awkward but I think I recognise you from OkCupid. Maybe it was Tinder. You really shouldn’t use the same picture for everything.’ Turns out I broke one of the Cardinal Rules of Internet Dating.

Profile Pic Etiquette

I mean, obviously pics of your dick or you and your wife is like so not a good idea. But, as I’ve now learnt: Don’t use the same picture on OkCupid. Tinder. FB. Twitter. (I’m all for internet stalking, so, I’m making people’s jobs easier, but hey, apparently more mystery is a good thing).

Ignore Those You Know

Way, way back when I first joined OkCupid I passed a few profiles of friends, one of them decided to FB message me to be all: HEY I SAW YOU’RE ONLINE DATING. I know this is not fight club, but think of it as an internet strip club you visit while married – I see you, you see me, let’s just pretend it never happened. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, but, like, let’s not make this weirder than it has to be. Cause I’m deciding whether or not to talk to people based purely on their faces. It’s very weird.

Non-Negotiables – They’re There For A Reason

Hey, Mr 50-year-old, I’m guessing you feel you’re one of those Forever Young Types, but you could legit be my dad, and that’s kinda yeugh. And, what in the world are you going to have in common with a 27 year old? When I was born, you were already working. WEIRD. Same goes for things like – if you’re a racist fuckwit, don’t message me. Go preserve The White Nation somewhere else, bro. These ovaries don’t give a fuck about skin tone.

Don’t Be A Dick

My profile states I’m not into any kind of drugs (including weed). OH MY GOSH HOW SMART ARE YOU? You just pointed out coffee is a ‘mind altering substance’, gosh dam, I didn’t know that about caffeine! Wait – you mean alcohol is a drug too?! So how can I like wine but not grass? HOLY FUCK THE REVELATIONS! I BOW DOWN BEFORE THEE, LET’S DATE.


Starting a message off by insulting someone or being a wise ass(hole) is never going to work.

How To Bring It Up In Conversation I’m all for the dude I met’s approach: Yo, you! Didn’t we meet on that online dating app? But some people get weird, so probably don’t do this in front of all your mutual friends. Find a quiet moment in case they’re one of those easily mortified people and you make the rest of the party super awks.

2 thoughts on “The Cardinal Rules Of Internet Dating

  1. This made me giggle even though it is kind of not funny when you REALLY think about how creepy the 50 year old thing is. But still, giggles!


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