I’m pretty sure this means I’m not a Real Girl (am I Pinocchio then? Will a love of clothes and shopping and mall make me A REAL GIRL AT LONG LAST?). I do everything in my power to avoid having to go into a mall and try on clothes. Actually, I even hate online shopping. Recently I needed to buy a pair of black heels (so I can like I Know What I Am Doing in meetings). It was awful. It was a form of suffering that no one should have to endure. I went to Canal Walk. I went to two whole stores and then settled on the first pair that fit and went to the food court and stuffed my face with shwarma. I mean, THE SUFFERING.
It’s All Lights And Mirrors
Honestly, who designs the lighting for dressing rooms in malls? It’s all fluorescent globes – usually overhead so you can get wonderful shadows under your eyes. It’s super bright – so you can look the pasty/chalky/the worst version of your skin tone. Oh, look at that – thanks lighting, I now know my pores are HUGE. This tiny space means I can get SUCH a good look at my body is this so-bright light. Man, every lump is really just highlighted in this mirror mounted at such a flattering angle. Man, I’m sure gonna look hot in everything I try on.
Sizes Are A Fucking Lie
Gap I take a petite/small. Woolies dresses I’m also a small but T-shirts I’m a medium. I’m size 36 jeans at Woolies and a size 38-40 at Cotton On. I never know what size I am at Mr Price. Sizes are a lie. There is no standard. There is no consistency, not only from store to store but AT THE SAME FREAKING SHOP. You know how to ruin a day? Change your cuts/sizing so suddenly I go up two sizes.
P.S. If you want to hate yourself, shop for jeans. All the wrong squeezes in all the tight places.
I Have Monster Feet
I blame my gargantuan feet on my dad. He’s a size 11. My monster feet? Size 9. Do you know who makes shoes in a size 9 for girls? No one. My struggle has been real since I was by a foetus (child). My junior school insisted on brown, buckles Mary Janes. Even my child feet were too big for child sizes. It would takes days to find school shoes. The only person who hated shopping for school shoes more than me was my mother. Because she had to drive me to almost every shop in Joburg
I’d like to put it out there, some girls have giant feet and we are people too.
(Fine, fine, two shops sell size 9 girly shoes: Woolies and Forever21. If you’re size 10 and up, I hear that there are sites for men who cross-dress that sell heels etc in larger sizes. For reals).
Trying Things On
This relates to the awful lights and mirrors situation changing rooms got going on, but good God I hate trying things on. Take in two sizes. None will fit right. Then you have to be that barefooted person running through the racks trying to find something else or a better size. And your hair will end up static and a rats mess and you will look terrible no matter what.
If you want to torture me, make me go clothes shopping. I’ll tell you anything you want, just don’t make me have to go try things on.
Img source: lifehack.org