Things I Think When I’m On A Date

the end of the date

It’s no small secret that I hate dates and freak out when going on them. So, I’ve decided to give you a look into my mind when I’m on a date/meet-up/coffee-not-stealing-my-organs thing. For reals. This is my brain.

The most important part of any first date: sending this to your best friend(s).


Also. To check that I’m ok.

And not dead.

Oh, god, I’m early. I’m always early. Why am I always the first one here? Why do I get everywhere like 15 minutes before I’m meant to?


Ok. Grab a table. Yes, I’m meeting someone.

The waitress is staring at me. I’ve been alone for 10 minutes. Quick! Look busy! Type things on your phone – yeah, that’s right, look at me. I’m totally not being stood up (OH MY GOD AM I BEING STOOD UP?!)

Wait? Is that him? I think that’s him. Do we shake hands? Do we hug?

awkward meeting

Think of things to say. You can’t talk about the weather…Can you? I mean, it has been REALLY windy today, did you see that dog blow across the street?

Did you ask him what he did already? What did he say? Can you ask again?

Oh, me? What do I do?

eat sslee

Oh…work, you meant what I do for work. Not my hobbies. Wait, are eating and sleeping hobbies because I think they are.

i am funny dammit

Why isn’t he laughing at my jokes? Am I swearing too much again? Is he really religious? Did I blaspheme my way into a corner? Oh fuck. Oh Jesus. OH SHIT JUST STOP SWEARING ALREADY. We’ve got this, self, we can get this back on track.


Yeah. You’re not helping, self.

Just go with flirting. Do it.

Do it now.


This is hopeless.

All images from the Google Machine.

4 thoughts on “Things I Think When I’m On A Date

  1. You’re not hopeless! They’re the ones who are hopeless for not arriving earlier to make sure you’re not kept waiting and to have interesting topics all ready to go so you won’t have to comment on the weather! xo

  2. THIS! “Wait, are eating and sleeping hobbies because I think they are.”

    Because now you suddenly find yourself having to pretend that things that do not involve a pillow or a plate really interest you knowing FULL well that – should the interaction with a man-shaped creature be successful – your mendacious ways WILL be found out.

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