I suck at dating. I hate dating. I’ve sent several voice notes to the Long Distance Bestie about my hatred of dates – especially first dates. In fact I’m so bad at dating that it once took me six months to realise that the picnic my “friend” took me on, was, in fact, a date. No wonder he got annoyed me with me when I was vague about plans after that. He thought I was blowing him off. I was just being a flakey friend.
With joining Tinder (and OkCupid, yes, I’ve gone back to them) I’ve had a few first dates recently. Or are they dates when you are just meeting someone from a site and you’re trying to ascertain if they are, indeed, not serial killers (I’ve been watching too much of The Fall) or organ harvesters? Or they meet ups? Coffee hangouts? Let’s-not-die-tonight-face-time-in-real-time?
OH GOD WHAT DO I WEAR?! Is this like a casual jeans and tshirt? But like, is it too soon to wear one of my many (many) cat tshirts? What about my My Little Pony shirt? Is that geek-cool or oh-my-god-I-bet-she-still-has-one-of-those (I do, thanks Cape Town Bestie). And do I wear heels? They make my legs look GREAT but I can’t drive in them. And what happens if he’s my height and now I am a GIANT? OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD
When did I last shave my legs? Do I have time to shave them before I leave? Can I get away with the half shave? [for guys out there, this is when you shave only that parts of your legs that will be seen. Them thighs be fuzzy]. Can I get away with just, well, not? You know how much skin (and hair) there is on your legs? Answer: A lot.
Make-up. Right, that a thing I need to do now too.
That’s how I do make-up right?
Wait is this too much?
Ok. I think I got this down. It’s cool. I’ve got a handle on my face.
Better send a picture to my friends. I need their votes. Am I crushing it? Am I dressed like I have no idea what I’m doing? I have no idea what I’m doing.
This better be her reaction. If not, we’re going to have to start this whole thing all over again.
Ok, okay, she says I look cute. I got this.
Last minute check:
1. Tampons – yes, I said it. No worse way to ruin a first date, screw you uterus and your unpredictable plans.
2. Do my shoes match? I’ve tried on so many different pairs – I am wearing a matching set now, right?
3. Have I smudged my mascara? Is it all over my eyelids?
4. Do I have lipstick on my teeth – wait, do I wear lipstick? What happens if he wants to makeout? OH GOD I BETTER TEXT MY BESTIES AGAIN.
All images courtesy of google using as many inventive dating terms plus “gif” that I could possibly think of.