Let’s be honest.
Bookish girls don’t find guys in a bar.
We don’t find them at weird blind dates set up by well meaning friends.
We find them on the internet. Like we find the rest of our friends.
So it’s little surprise that after my weird adventures into DatingBuzz and OkCupid that I thought, fuck it, let me try Tinder. How weird could it get?
Check My Guns
Sweet baby Cheesus, but why is holding a gigantic firearm meant to be attractive? I mean, you’re not even being Bond-esque with this. There’s no sleek revolver, a quirk of an eyebrow, a smidgen hint of danger, an air of mystique. Just a giant in your face I’m-a-mother-fucking gun. I know nothing about guns, so I bet this is for paint-ball or one of those air rifle thingies and not for murdering things or shooting people in general, but dear god, WHY IS THIS YOUR FIRST CHOICE OF PICTURE?!
Show Me Your Chesticles
Clearly this dude heard chicks like pecks. Chicks dig abs. Chick like dem muscles. Mmmmmm muscles.
Buddy, you don’t have any of these.
Also, are you just in your briefs? Cause I feel like this is all moving a little too fast, I mean, I haven’t even swiped Right. I think we need to slow right on down and you can show me your face, and we can be all ‘Hey’ before you start with the inappropriate sending of nudies.
[side bar: thank fuck that you can’t send pics on Tinder chat. A lot of girls have been saved from unexpected dick pics].
Fake It Til You…Fake It
Really? REALLY? Your picture is covered in watermarks and you expect me to believe that this is you? Rookie error my friend. If you’re gonna fake your pic, you may as well do it right and find an unwatermarked pic. And of someone who (I’m guessing here, I’m not into sports) isn’t like a sports star playing something that looks like soccer (rugby?).
Show Me Your (Other) Guns
Tats, muscles, oh baby. Except your arm is the size of my head. And like, that’s kinda overwhelming. And a little worrying. I mean, I have a fairly decent sized cranium that doesn’t easily fit into hats so it’s not a small head. So like, wow, man, that arm.
And why does your bicep have two bumps? Is it like one of those two-humped camels? Do you store extra water in there? Maybe whisky? Cause like, um, otherwise I think that’s not meant to be happening. You should get that check out, hey, boet, my china.
Drive Me Wild
Look unless you’re that car from Knight Rider (KITT?), this isn’t going to work out, BMW. I mean, look you’re shiny and I do like shiny things, but there’s all these impracticalities to consider – I’m not sure my lift is big enough and I don’t think you’d be able to move about my apartment. Then there’s the weirdness of meals, you’ll want Unleaded and I’m not a fan of diesel, so we’re gonna struggle to find a place to eat together. And like, this cross species thing, it’s gonna get real uncomfortable explaining it to my parents. We’re the most open-minded folk, but I think this might be a limit they won’t see beyond.
And if you’re not a sentient BMW, why the fuck is this your picture?
I’m not sure what voodoo magic you’re working here but DAMN, son, you’re looking young for 35. And by young, I mean, illegally young. I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t be allowed to sign up for this app until you’ve ditched the teething necklace, got all your adult teeth, and gone through puberty.
There’s lots of ways to break the news to your Tinder lovers that you’ve got a kid. Making your child the very first picture on your Tinder profile is nothing short of creepy. And weird. And uncomfortable. I really don’t want to be messaging back and forth with a face that I’m pretty sure is that indefinite age of something between 0 and 7 years old.
Main image: weheartit
All screengrabs from Tinder.