It’s been almost a year since Dean and I broke up. The last year has been nothing short of a growing year, a year filled with empty spaces. Empty spaces that I’ve grown my soul into.
I moved out of home in 2011 and lived with a friend. In 2012, I moved into a place of my own. The adjustment was hard. I was so used to someone always being there – or at the very least the promise of someone coming home soon. Eventually. One day. But living on my own? It was just me, my succulents and a lot of empty air.
But I had Dean and our regular ‘date’ days when we’d hang out and he’d stay over. And some of that empty space was filled up, I knew that there was a break to the unrelenting quiet of my flat. When Dean and I broke up, I had no end in sight to the lonely hours in my flat. I spent more time going out, put a lot of effort into making new friends and doing new things. I’ve always been pretty good at keeping myself company, but the unrelenting loneliness got to me.
Fast forward a year and I’ll choose a night on my couch with Olivia Pope over heading to town with friends for dinner, music, drinks, long nights and dark roads home. I hold my own hand when I’m hurting. I wrap my own arms around myself in the hard moments. I make myself hot cups of tea and buy myself flowers. I take myself out to breakfast and tell myself I’m pretty. I once said in an interview (I think there’s a YouTube clip of this TV appearance out there, if you find it, I’ll kill you), that you have to say nice things to yourself – no matter how cheesy it is. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are pretty, you are great, you are smart. And it’s true – the more you say nice things to yourself, the more you believe them, the more you believe in yourself.
And as Tarryn, the CT Bestie, said to me the other night – being your own boyfriend is hard. It is. Of course I want someone, of course I want date nights and phone calls, flowers and surprises, cuddles and kisses. With all my little heart I do.
But right now, I have me. And I’m a pretty awesome date.