I find myself thinking back to this time last year – September was a hard month and the beginning of October pulled my world apart. The magazine I worked for closed, although I couldn’t say anything due to legal things until a few weeks after I found out. A week or so after I lost my job, Dean and I broke up. We’d been on a break for a few weeks and the added pressure of my soon-to-be-unemployedness was the last nail in the coffin. It was a hard September through to the end of the year.
Now I’m working in digital – loving the learning and the possibilities and the chances I have more than I thought possible.
I’ve been single for a year and struggled through patches of desperate loneliness. Aching, crying on my couch until I couldn’t breath moments of total despair. But every morning, I’d put the smile back on, put make up on my face, and walk out the door.
And I made it through.
I’m still lonely sometimes. I still want love. I still want a person who can be My Person. I want date nights and romantic gestures. I want phone calls at lunch and texts at the end of the day. I want to share all the love my little heart has in it with someone and build a life.
But I’m also ok with being alone. I like my own company. I like spending hours by myself reading, watching series or talking to my plants (Fluffy and Brogan have a new sibling/s, still trying to work out his/her name) or chatting to the spider that lives in my car (Gary and I are cool). I’ve learnt to be kind to myself. To hold my own hand in the dark of the night when I feel the sadness creeping in. To buy myself flowers and to say kind words to myself – no more “you’re fat”, no more “yuck you look ugly today”, no more mean words.
My friendships are as strong as ever, and spending two weeks in London with the London Bestie did things for my heart that I can’t even explain. Beyond that, small moments with old friends, new friends, close friends and distant acquaintances keep me going. A cat gif there, a panda whatsapp there, I know good people and they are enough.
I may be lonely, but I’m not alone.