Online Dating – Or How I’m Going to Die Alone

aEwdop9_460s_v2I’ve been feeling a little lonely lately, ok well a lot lonely and the company of Sam and Dean and bag of Act II microwave popcorn is not filling the hole. Ask my long suffering group of friends (they get Whatsapps at all hours of the night). It’s been a while since I was last single, as I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, it’s the first time I’ve been single while living alone. And living alone, there’s a whole lot more empty spaces to fill. So I thought I try internet dating sites to make new friends and influence people.

I’m definitely dying alone.

1. OkCupid

I was all ‘hey, this site is free! Let’s join it!’. Oh, the people I met.
Floyd’s ex-girlfriend’s BFF who hate(d?) me: Say what to the who now? Only I could make something this weirdly awkward happen. But it did, Floyd’s ex (who used to kinda hate me but who is now my kinda friend, on Facebook anyway) had a BFF who also really hated me (fair enough, hate those your BFF hates, I get it, Cape Town). But then! BUT THEN, he replies to my profile and is ‘all hey, let’s talk’ but in a wittier way than that. And I reply, ‘[HIS NAME] right? I’m Floyd’s nefarious ex. How’s it going?’ His reply? Silence. Winning.
The old friend:Β An old (old) friend messaged me on FB being all ‘so this is awkward but I saw you on OkCupid’. Ensue conversation about why my relationship with Dean (not the TV one, TV Dean and I are golden) broke up. His analysis? ‘So you bailed on him?’ End conversation. Winning again.
No more love: And three days later I try log in only to be told my account has been deleted. I see you, OkCupid, I see you and your attempts to crush my soul and then be like ‘Bitch please, you ain’t welcome here’. I see you and you win.

2. DatingBuzz

I’ve been told favourable things about this one from my boss (colleague?) and a friend who met her BF on the site. So why the hell not. You have to pay and I’m broke, so I’ve been silently surfing and creeping until a stranger bought me a gift subscription. It’s run out now. And I won’t be renewing.
Mr Gifter: The guy who bought me a subscriptions opens with the fact that he has no front teeth (he’s also divorced with kids). Um. Ok, I know I shouldn’t be such a judgemental bitch, but….NO FRONT TEETH?
Italian Romeo:Β Only the most classy guys message me. This one is 40, married, with no intention of leaving his wife, but he “miss a woman different that can give me that excitment I dont have anymore. I hope you can be interested”. He will “give me gift” and make me feel special. Honey, if you want an affair, try AshleyMaddison.com.
Add to this 43 Β year old men asking me why we aren’t a match (because you’re old enough to be my dad?), grown men using “u” instead of “you” and adding “lol” to the end of every sentence, men who can’t use an apostrophe even once and that everyone I was a match with lived in the Northern Suburbs (yes, I am judging). DatingBuzz is like Tiger on a Tuesday night only worse cause it’s crossbred with Monday nights at Foresters and the Kimberley Hotel.

If the internet has anything to say about it, I’m dying alone and no one will notice (at least for a day or two, and probably then only my mom who messages me every day).

2 thoughts on “Online Dating – Or How I’m Going to Die Alone

  1. That 9Gag! :”’)

    I once considered speed dating, and even asked my sister if she would judge me if I had an online dating profile. I still can’t bring myself to actually do any of these things, though, so this post is quite the illuminating read. Especially since I feared that exactly what happened to you would happen to me: I would attract the weirdos. Mainly because that is what happens to me in real life anyway: I think I’m putting out vibes for ‘handsome but not overwhelmingly so, and intellectually compatible’ but what I get is ‘chancers who don’t know how to take a hint’. *smh* So now I’ve resorted to perpetual resting bitch face, and a biting word (or three) for anyone who starts a conversation with me the wrong way. Ja. I am definitely winning the Forever Alone game.

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