The last time I went through a breakup was with Sebastien in 2008. I stayed single for a whole three years after that. Sure I went on a date here, a dinner there. But I was single lady ploughing ahead in my career (which, I must say, worked out quite nicely). Then I met Dean in 2011 and we dated until a few months back (when I also lost my job). My whole life has changed and some days, the sucker punch of that reality still takes me out.
I’m not going to get into the gritty details as Dean and I are still friends and he reads this blog (hi Dean). But breakups are the shitastically worst. Some days you feel ok, like you’re moving on and picking up the pieces and then other days you sit on your bathroom floor and cry for an hour until you give yourself a headache.
I’ve been trying to cope with this breakup alone, to be ‘fine’ and be composed and be all Miss Got Shit Together, which is such a rookie error. I can’t do this alone, I can’t do with without a support team, without somebody to lean (lean on me!). Luckily for me, I have some amazing friends and they’re the kind of girls who don’t care if I send them messages in the middle of the night when I’m sad. And it’s ok if they don’t respond straight away, just knowing I have this safe space to feeling vomit into makes all the difference. It makes me feel less alone.
Because that’s the thing, breakups make you feel so goddam lonely. So many of my friend are in serious relationships, that most events are couple fests and I’m The Single Girl. All of which is why I’ve been making a big effort to make new friends and insert myself into other people’s friendship circles (Hi, I’m Jess and no, I wasn’t born somewhere else, yes, even though I have an accent and no, I don’t know why I speak this way – I just do).
Apart from that, getting used to spending so much time on my own is a challenge. After my last breakup, I was still living at home so there were always people around me (I dig my parents, we have fun hanging out). Now I live on my own in a little flat with not even a cat for company. It’s like adjusting to living without The Ex Housemate all over again. Only there is so much more time to fill up. So many more hours that used to have a boy in them, or plans to see a boy, or knowledge that a boy (the boy) could be seen. Now it’s just me and my two succulents, Fluffy and Brogan. And though they’re boys (legit), Fluff and Brogan just aren’t the greatest of company.
But what else is there to do apart from keeping on keeping on, and knowing that one day I won’t feel this way.