I’ve been living alone for about a year and a half now. Before that, I lived with The Ex Housemate. While we didn’t go shopping together that often, or, well, at all really, we’d often get shared items (bread!) or little treats (rusks! hot chocolate! biscuits!). Now, I live alone. I cannot claim that the mounds of chocolate in the fridge is shared. Or that those packets of microwave popcorn are not mine. Or that those rotting veggies are defs not mine. So I’ve learnt many-a-thing and developed my very own programme for all you fledgling professionals or trust-fund-varsity students.
Want to not die of scurvy? Try the Fool Proof Jess Method of Purchasing, approved by 100%* of test subjects and proven not to give you death-inducing malnutrition by our test group**.
1. Despite what my (and your) mom says, those bags are frozen vegetables are a legit source of vegetables, vitamins and minerals. Just like, don’t them and them alone. Every day.
2. Popcorn is a legitimate meal on its own. A (many) spoonful(s) of Nutella is also a totes normal snack.
3. Fresh vegetables last a lot longer than their sell-by/use-by dates. Gone a little brown? Cut that bit off! Feeling a little limp? It’ll still taste good? Growing mould? Mould’s good for your immune system!
4. I buy meat (MEEEAAAAAAAT) in bulk and then portion it because I am: a) lazy to shop each week b) OCD c) both (the answer is C).
5. Your trolley is a weapon. Use it to part crowds, cut in front of people attempting to grab the last jar of Nutella, scare Miniature Humans (commonly known as Children), bash into the ankles of old ladies attempting to grab your fave wine before the bottle store closes at 6pm and as a go-kart to get to you car.
6. Walking home from the shops (you fool)? Carry the basket around the store instead of using a trolly so you can stretch out your arm before you begin your trek. Also: it gets dark early in Winter. Learn this. Learn this now.
7. Jars of sauce and instant sauce are totes legit. Can’t afford either? Packets of instant soup = SAUCE FOR THE POOR (also known as: I-bought-too-many-clothes/books/cups of coffee this month).
Want more from the Fool Proof Jess Method of Purchasing? Order in the comments section now! For as little as One Million (Zimbabewean) Dollars, this widely-(un)known and (never before) used system could be all yours.
* Test subjects = me
**Test group = also me.