I’ve blogged a lot about good byes since I started this blog – but there have been two particular partings that have troubled me. One for almost two years now and the other for almost a year. I’m not good at letting go, I’m not good on giving up or backing down (stubbornness!), but I realised as I walked home yesterday that I think I’m finally over a lot of it.
The First Goodbye: The ex-BF and male BFF. We’ve known each other since Gr9 when I transfered into his school. You’ll know him as Floyd from some of my previous blogposts. We became besties in Gr10 and dated awkwardly for a month at the end of that year. Years later we tried it again, but it fell apart. We dated other people, thing got weird, a massive rift formed and we had our first major fallout. We put the pieces back together and tried friendship again, but for whatever reason, it didn’t work. I do partly blame his current GF and her (well, at one time) obsessive hatred/fear/jealousy of me. But I was talking to a mutual friend a few months back, one who hasn’t really seen either of us since varsity days and on hearing I no longer spoke to Floyd, she said: “Well, it’s for the best for him. He could never really let you go.” And something shifted in me. Floyd never gave me reasons, closure or a chance to talk it out. But it clicked, it fell into place, the acceptance of the situation finally happened. It’s not to say I don’t miss him – there are still certain bands that I cannot listen to without thinking of him (The Cure, Smashing Pumpkins, Pink Floyd). But a year and 8 months on, I’ve stopped writing him letters I’ll never send and I know the next time I see him at Cape Town station, I’ll be able to nod and smile… and look away.
The Second Goodbye: My ex-housemate. We’d been friends since third year varsity, but became really close when we lived together. Things for the most part were great, and then mid-year hit us with all the stresses of a Master’s degree (her) and an increased workload (me) and cracks appeared. I still don’t truly know what happened here, I still lack closure from her directly, but I know I’ll never get it. For a while, I’d avoid places she’d be and parties she’d attend, but I don’t think I will now. My closure is no closure. I do still miss our chats while making dinner, discussions over hot chocolate and her trying to explain Philosophy to me, but, from mutual friends, it seems she’s well. She’s happy. She’s healthy. And in the end, loving someone means that is all I want. I think I can see her now. I think I can smile, say hello and how are you, and leave it that. Walk on by and it won’t hurt. Well, not as much as it once would.
The point of this post? There wasn’t one. I just wanted to say it. For the last time.